


Love Potion Number-OOPS!

by bornforwar_archivist



Category: Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Comedy, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-31
Updated: 2006-12-31
Packaged: 2018-11-07 07:38:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11054361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bornforwar_archivist/pseuds/bornforwar_archivist
Summary: By KechuwaA comedy for the shippers. No real love but lots-o-laughs!





	Love Potion Number-OOPS!

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Delenn, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Born For War](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Born_For_War), which closed in 2015. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in March 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Born For War collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bornforwar).
> 
> Rated: PG
> 
> Gay or lesbian stuff: no
> 
> Violence: a teensy weensy bit(try not to cry too hard.)
> 
> Love: no, not really.
> 
> Humor: that's what this story is all about
> 
> Please please be kind, because this is my first writing. BE KIND, and send me feedback, or i will sick Ares on you! (ha! if i coud control ares, i'd sick him on me, but....)
> 
> OKay, here goes.

Aphrodite entered the small town in a flash of light wearing her usual pink outfit that left little to the imagination. But no person could see her to comment on her clothing. She stood in the middle of the road and watched the inhabitants scurry around for a few moments. In that time, two fistfights broke out, and half of the town was yelling at the other half for various reasons. Aphrodite shook her head.  
  
“Someone needs to clean this place up. Hmm, who should it be?” She scratched her head, then smiled and brightened up. “ME!”  
She walked through the town sending love messages to everyone she saw, and within minutes the entire town was cooperating and complimenting each other.  
  
Aphrodite put her hands on her hips and stood to watch all of the love she had allowed to enter the town, but after a few minutes she heard her name whispered in the wind. She looked around, but did not see the phantom whisperer. She returned her attention to the town, then heard it again. She turned to look around, but a hand caught her shoulder making her stay looking forward.  
  
“Hello Aphrodite.” He said. She groaned, because she knew that voice.  
  
“Ares, what do you want? Did I, like, turn one of your little future war towns into a peaceful place again? Because I’m sorry, but you are just gonna have to get over it.”  
  
“Although this was one of those towns, that’s not why I’m here. I need something from you.” She turned and looked at him disbelieving.  
  
“This ought to be good. What exactly is it you need?”  
  
“A love potion.  
  
"Excuse me? YOU, the God of War, need a love potion? Wait, are you planning to use this on Xena? Because if you are, no deal. She doesn’t like you. I don’t like you. Sorry, bro, but you are totally crimping my style.”  
  
She thought about that for a moment. “Hmm, I’m beginning to see why you need a love potion.” He sneered.  
  
“Cute, Aphrodite.” He said. She gave her most innocent smile. “And the purpose of the potion is of no importance to you.”  
  
“Whatever. If you don’t tell me, no deal.”  
  
“Oh, I think you’re going to do this, whether you like it or not.” He  
leaned in close and she gulped. She did not like the sound of that.  
  
He grabbed her wrist, and in a flash of blue light they disappeared to the location of Ares choice.  
  
**  
  
“Xena,” Gabrielle complained, “we’ve been walking all day. Can’t we please stop and rest?”  
  
Xena turned and looked at her. Gabrielle looked pitiful; shifting her  
weight from one foot to another because they both hurt so, and the glitter of sweat could be seen across her forehead making her hair wet enough to stick to her face.  
  
“Yeah, we can camp here for the night.” She said. It was a clearing in the middle of a forest. Xena tied Argo to a tree and brushed him down while Gabrielle went about setting up the camp.  
  
After a few minutes, they had their blankets rolled out and the trout they had caught earlier in the day sizzling over a small fire, and were both sitting on some fallen logs waiting for their dinner to finish. Xena paid attention to the fish while Gabrielle looked over a scroll and added words to it ever so often.  
  
Xena unsuccessfully tried to crane her neck to see what Gabrielle was writing, so she just asked about it.  
  
“It’s a love story.” Gabrielle replied.  
  
“Really? What’s it about?”  
  
“Well, I actually am not really that far. I don’t even have the characters named yet or anything about them. I don’t even have a plot. But…I want it to be sort of funny, you know? I don’t know, I’ve never known love like that. I’ll have to think about it for a while more.”  
  
Xena finished cooking the fish, so Gabrielle put down the scroll and they both quietly sat and ate their dinner. From the corner of her eye, Xena saw a flash of pink. She grabbed her sword and turned towards where she thought it came from, and saw Aphrodite. She lowered her sword.  
  
“Aphrodite, what are you doing here?” Gabrielle asked lowering her staff. Aphrodite didn’t look like her normal self. She looked…scared and meek. She was chewing on her lip and had a worried expression on her face.  
  
Gabrielle noticed it. “What’s wrong?”  
  
“Okay, like, you guys, this is totally not my idea.” She said.  
  
“What?” Gabrielle asked.  
  
“I’m totally sorry.” She said, then raised her finger and pointed it at  
Gabrielle. Gabrielle’s expression immediately changed from confusion to sleepiness. She started to fall to the ground ad Xena caught her.  
  
“Aphrodite!” She yelled.  
  
“I’m sorry! But if I hadn’t done it this way, he would have killed her.  
She’s just, like, asleep now. She won’t remember anything; just that she went to bed. And when this whole thing is blown over she’ll wake up like it was the next morning.”  
  
“What are you talking about?” Xena gently lied Gabrielle down on the ground, then stood. Aphrodite opened her mouth to speak, but she faded away before any sound could be made. Xena knelt next to Gabrielle, who was now snoring, and watched her, wondering that in the name of the Gods was going on.  
  
“Alright, I did this stupid thing for you. Can I leave now?” Aphrodite  
was back in a small cavern talking to Ares.  
  
“Gabrielle is…out of the picture?” He mumbled the last part. If it had been his choice, he would have killed the bard. But Aphrodite would have never gone a long with his plan if he killed her. Aphrodite sighed disgust.  
  
“Yeah, she’s asleep. You have your stupid love potion, can I leave yet?”  
  
“No. You’re going to stay right here so I can make sure you don’t  
intervene.” She opened her mouth and glared at him.  
  
“Excuse me?! I have an entire world to fix. You want me to just “stay here”? No way! I gave you your stupid love potion, now let me leave.”  
  
“You’re going to find some way to reverse the spell. I know you. So you’re going to stay right here. And if you object, I’ll get Discord in here and she can watch you. And she’ll bring Strife along.”  
  
“Ew, Ugh, no way. I’ll just stay here.” She sat down on a rocky ledge that served as a bench. “I do not want to put up with that little slut. And Strife. “She shivered dramatically. “That guy gives me the creeps.”  
  
“How long until the potion takes effect?” He asked.  
  
“Um, probably a few more minutes.”  
  
“If this doesn’t work…”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re gonna get me. I get it. But, like, you need a serious attitude adjustment, and you really need to get off this Xena thing. She doesn’t like you, end of story.”  
  
“Aphrodite, if I wanted your opinion I’d ask for it.”  
  
“Tch. Whatever.” She looked around the small cave for a few moments. “It’s probably working now.”  
  
Ares disappeared from the cave with a flash of blue light. When he  
reappeared, he was in Xena’s camp. She was leaning over Gabrielle, but when she noticed Ares was there, she grabbed her sword and charged at him.  
  
“You, what are you doing here? I should have known you were…” She stopped in the middle of her sentence and her path towards him, shook once, then her expression changed from hate to love. She dropped her sword, held her arms out, and ran towards Ares. He was smiling; thinking it was too easy.  
  
But Xena didn’t run to Ares, she ran right past him. She bent down near  
the bushes and picked up a rabbit. She cradled the rabbit and kissed his head, saying things in a cutesy voice about how wonderful the stupid rabbit was. Ares walked up to her and put his hand on her shoulder. She turned and faced him, and her face changed from adoration for the rabbit, to hate and fear. She shrugged his hand away and backed away a few paces.  
  
“No, you can’t have him! I love him! No matter what you say, I’m going to  
marry him!” She said, sheltering the rabbit with her body. The bunny  
hopped out of her grasp and ran into the bushes. Xena screamed out in agony then fell to her knees. “My love! You have left me! Why? Oh why?” She fell sobbing to the ground.  
  
Ares rolled his eyes then called out for Aphrodite. She appeared before  
him in a flash of yellow mist.  
  
“You called?” She said.  
  
“This isn’t what I wanted, and you know it.” He gestured to the weak,  
sobbing Xena.  
  
“Oh! Um, oops? I must’ve used the wrong potion. Oops.” She put on her most innocent face and Ares glared at her.  
  
“Fix it, now.”  
  
“Geesh, hold your horses.” She closed her eyes and rubbed her hands  
together, then opened them and sent bolts of pink towards Xena. She giggled then disappeared back to the cave Ares wanted her to stay in.  
  
Xena, upon being hit by the pink spell, was no longer on the floor crying.  
She was standing and looking off into space, her expression blank and her eyes empty. Ares approached her and grabbed he elbows, then waited for the spell to take effect. After a few moments, her expression changed as if her soul had re-entered her body, and she collapsed. He held her by her elbows, then gently laid her out on the ground as Xena had done for Gabrielle. Her eyes opened and Ares was only inches away from her face. She closed the distance between them and pulled his face to hers. They kissed for a few moments.  
  
He backed away after a few moments, then held out his hand to help her up. She grabbed it and they both rose.  
  
“Gabrielle, I love you so much.” She said. Ares backed away and looked at her oddly.  
  
“Who are you?” He asked. Xena raised up on her elbows and looked up at him.  
  
“I’m Joxer, silly.” She stood up and looked around the camp while Ares  
stared in confusion at Xena. Joxer’s eyes fell on the real Gabrielle, lying  
asleep on the grass.  
  
“By the Gods! What is Ares doing here, and why is he asleep on the grass?” Xena, thinking she was Joxer, asked.  
  
Aphrodite appeared and watched the happenings. She started laughing and Ares glared at her and approached her.  
“Why you little…I can’t believe you are doing this. I told you I’d get you.” He said.  
  
“Oh, lighten up bro. So, I messed up the spell a little. Big deal, they  
won’t remember it. And what, you’re going to get me? Your own sister? No way.”  
  
The one who looked like Xena but thought she was Joxer turned and looked at Aphrodite. “ Xena! Ares is here! Look! He’s on the ground, asleep!”  
  
Aphrodite laughed some more. Xena, the real Xena who thought she was Joxer, walked back up to Ares and threw her arms around him. “Oh Gabrielle, I’m so glad you came to your senses. We’ll have so many children and live happily ever after.”  
  
Ares threw his hands away and stepped back. She/He stepped forward and followed him. You can’t get away. Nuh-uh, not after that kiss.”  
  
Aphrodite was falling to the ground laughing. Ares stepped back and Xena started to pursue, but Ares stopped him by pressing down on his shoulders.  
  
“If you come any closer, I’ll kill you.” He said. She stopped moving.  
Ares turned back to Aphrodite.  
  
“End this.” He said. She shrugged.  
  
“I can’t. The spell has to run its course. It should take a couple of  
hours. After that, everything’ll be back to normal.”  
  
“I am not sitting around for this.” He said. He snapped his fingers and  
attempted a transport back to his private chambers in the mountains, but nothing happened. He tried again, and nothing happened. Ares glared at Aphrodite.  
  
“Oh, yeah, and whoever thinks they are you, has your powers. So Gabrielle has your powers, and she’s asleep. That spell should work until after this entire thing is over.”  
  
“And who has your powers?”  
  
“Well, Gabrielle is you, I’m Xena, your Gabrielle, and Xena’s Joxer, so  
Joxer must have my powers.” Ares stepped back from Xena who was pursuing him again.  
  
“Come on, you know you want me.” Xena, who thought she was Joxer pursuing Gabrielle, said, making smoochie noses. Ares smacked him across the face, knocking him to the ground. That put him out of commission for a little while.  
  
“Um, Ares, I hate to burst your little bubble, but Joxer has my powers and  
his common sense. That is not a good mix, so we should, like, probably find him soon.” Ares rolled his eyes.  
  
“How much harm can he do with love?”  
  
“You’d be surprised. Like, he could start making married women and men start making out in the streets with other people. You know how much damage that could do?”  
  
“Well, how do we find out where he is?”  
  
Aphrodite bent down to Xena. “Joxer,” she said, “where’s Aphrodite?”  
  
“Last time I saw that broad, she was in a small cabin about ten minutes  
walk from here.” Fake Joxer replied. Aphrodite stood and gave the fake  
Joxer a kick in the side for calling her a broad.  
  
“Great, now all we do is follow her…him…it to that cabin, then baby-sit the idiot.” She said. Fake Joxer tried to rise and throw his arms around who he thought was Gabrielle, but was deflected and again fell to the ground.  
  
“Let’s get moving.” Ares said. “Can we leave her here?” He gestured to  
the real Xena, lying on the ground.  
  
“No can do. Let’s see…” she looked off into space and thought about  
something for a moment. “Yeah, by sundown the spell should wear off. The only thing is, everyone whose identity got changed has to be physically touching, or else we can’t switch back to our own bodies. And that means we don’t get or powers back, bro.”  
  
“How do I know that I'm still Ares and you’re still Aphrodite? Why don’t I  
think I’m Gabrielle, like they do?” He asked.  
  
“Because you were aware I was casting a spell. These people weren’t. I  
only hope that you, me, Xena, Gabby, and Joxer are the only people involved or else there might be some big trouble.”  
  
“Wait, you’re telling me you don’t know who the spell effected?”  
  
“Psshtt. Like I’ve ever used an identity-changing spell before. HA!” She  
knelt down to Joxer again. “Can you show us the way to the cabin?”  
  
“Maybe…”he said in a mischievous voice. “Under one condition…Gabrielle has to…kiss me.” The both looked at Ares.  
  
“No way in the underworld am I going to kiss Joxer.” He said.  
  
“Oh, come on bro. You won’t be kissing Joxer; it’ll be just like you were  
kissing Xena. And, do you really want to have the world think you’re  
Gabrielle and have none of your powers? The blonde will have them.” He groaned in disgust.  
  
“Fine.” The fake Joxer leapt onto who he thought was Gabby, knocking  
them both on the ground, and passionately kissed him. Ares had to pry the body off of him and then scurry to stand. Joxer stood up a moment later.  
  
“See, that’s all I wanted.” He said. Ares glared at the real Xena, who was Joxer. Aphrodite laughed.  
  
"You wanted to kiss Xena, you got it.” She said. Ares scowled at her,  
causing her to laugh again.  
  
“Let’s just get moving. I’d like to be Ares once again.” He said.  
  
“It’s this way.” Joxer said, starting off in a direction that led deep  
into the woods. Ares followed him.  
  
“Hold on, boys. What about her?” Aphrodite asked, gesturing to Gabrielle.  
  
Joxer turned back and looked. “Well, Xena, I think you should carry him  
since you’re the strongest one here.”  
  
“Exqueeze me?” Ares smiled.  
  
“You wouldn’t want to give Xena a bad name by acting weak, now would you?”  
  
“Uck!” She bent down and picked up Gabrielle. She flung her across her shoulders and slowly started walking. “I totally object to his.”  
  
Joxer, really Xena, was leading the way, Ares was in the middle, and  
Aphrodite was struggling to keep up with the added weight.  
  
“Objection noted,” Ares yelled over his shoulder.  
  
What should have been a ten-minute walk turned into a thirty-minute trek  
because Aphrodite was going so slow, and the false Joxer kept trying to jump on who he thought was Gabrielle. Finally, annoyed and tired, the made it to the cabin. Aphrodite dropped the real Gabrielle who the people thought was Ares, and stared at the cabin from a distance with a strange expression on her face. Coming out of all sides of the cabin was pink mist, and lots of noise could be heard from the outside.  
  
“Oh my Gosh, who does that freak think he is!” She said, then ran into the cabin with the real Ares and the fake Joxer on her tail. When she burst open the door and barged in, a male scream could be heard, definitely emanating from Joxer.  
  
“Xena, you totally freaked me out. You cannot just barge into my temples  
like that.” Joxer, talking with Aphrodite’s attitude, said to the real Aphrodite who he thought was Xena.  
  
“Whow, whow, whow. Excuse me, a temple? No, no. You cannot resurrect your own temple. This is not gonna be recognized by the big guy. And I totally do not talk like that.” She said. Ares coughed into his hand at her last remark.  
  
“Oh shut up, Gabrielle.” She stressed the last part, making Ares stop  
laughing and glare at her.  
  
He looked around what used to be a cabin, but was now decorated exactly as one of Aphrodite’s temples.  
  
“At least he has good taste.” She said, looking around.  
  
“So, what brings you guys to my temple?” The not real Aphrodite, who was the real Joxer, asked.  
  
“First off, what all have you done with your powers today?” Ares asked.  
  
“Um, let’s see. I cast a few love spells…did some redecorating in this  
place, and…that’s pretty much it.”  
  
“Who did you do the spells to?” Real Aphrodite asked.  
  
“There were these two babes I passed in the woods who were yelling at each other and talking about war. I thought my bro had been there and put the idea into their head, so I changed them just to spite him. By the time I left they were all over each other.”  
  
“Speaking of Ares, I left Gabrielle outside.” Aphrodite said, then left  
the building to go get her.  
  
(If you weren’t confused earlier, you probably are now!)  
  
She returned a moment later, empty-handed and chewing on her lip. “Um, guys? I went back to that place where I left her, and…there’s nothing there. This totally puts a crimp in our plan, because we all have to be together at sundown, which is like in an hour.”  
  
Ares rolled his eyes. “I do not want to be kept in this body for all  
eternity. I want my powers back, so I guess we have to go find her.”  
  
The fake Aphrodite and the fake Joxer were talking to each other about  
Gabrielle in hush-hush tones because they thought she was in the room.  
  
“All right you guys. Let’s go we have to find Gab…Ares.” The real Ares  
said. The real Aphrodite walked up tot he fake one.  
  
“Could you, like, use your powers to find her? You know, flash out of here and look around for her?” She asked.  
  
“Totally no prob, babe. I’ll be back.” The fake Aphrodite said. She  
disappeared in a flash of light. Everyone else waited quietly in the room  
for a while, the real Ares and Aphrodite hoping that she would find  
Gabrielle before sunset and the two that had no idea what was going on still talking in hush hush tones about Gabrielle.  
  
Finally, she returned. “Okay, I found Ares. There are a few people  
carrying his body up a path about a mile from here.”  
  
“Okay, well, transport us there.” Real Aphrodite said.  
  
“How do I do that?”  
  
“Ugh. You really do have your common sense, don’t you? All you have to do is think real hard about moving all of us to a certain location, and we’ll move there.” She said the last part in a tone a mommy would use when talking to a little baby.  
  
He tried it out, and before they knew it they were in one of Aphrodite’s  
temples.  
  
“Not this place! Take us to Gabrie..Ares.” Aphrodite said.  
  
“Alright, don’t get your armor in a bunch. I was just testing.”  
  
They disappeared from the temple and appeared in front of four men carrying Gabrielle. When they saw the group, the men dropped the body and drew their swords.  
  
“All right, Xena. I’ve been waiting for a long time to get a chance to  
kill you.” One of them en said, and they all closed in around her.  
  
The real Aphrodite’s eyes widened and she stepped back. “No, way. Come on bro; give me a little help here. If I die, then you can’t get your powers back.”  
  
Ares drew his sword and charged one of the men. The man went down easily, so he charged another. This man put up a pretty good fight, but in the end got a hole in his chest.  
  
Meanwhile, Aphrodite was still trying to back away from the two pursuing men Ares hadn’t gotten to yet. They had backed her into a tree when Aresgrabbed one of them and threw them onto the ground. He easily sliced through the man’s chest, leaving him dead on the ground.  
  
The remaining man tried to attack Aphrodite, but she kicked out at him andsurprisingly, even to herself, sent the man's sword flying through the air. He raised his fist to attack her and she cowered, but was stopped in mid flight by a sword jammed in her back from Ares.  
  
“Whew, thanks bro.” She said, straightening her outfit.  
  
They all stood around Gabrielle and watched the sunset. Just as the lastrays of light vanished behind the hills, the people returned to their  
bodies. No person had any memories of any of the happenings beside  
Aphrodite and Ares.  
  
“You! What are you doing here!’ Xena asked Ares when she saw him.  
  
“Well, bro wanted you to…” Aphrodite started but was rudely interrupted by Ares’ hand covering her mouth. He laughed nervously.  
  
“We have no idea. We just appeared here, as did you. And if you’ll excuse us, my dear, we must be leaving.”  
  
Ares and Aphrodite disappeared, and Joxer, Gabrielle and Xena were left with their confusion. Ares returned to his temple and Aphrodite returned to her quest around Greece, to clean it up of all hate.   
  


The End


End file.
